Spring is upon us, which means a big Mother’s Day celebration for many. I’ve a beautiful mother who is generous, kind, loving, opinionated and oh so stubborn… I love her very much which is good, since I am basically turning in to her…
Of course I will be thinking of her this Mother’s Day, but I think I want to take a moment to focus on the other women, the women who won’t be personally celebrating Mother’s Day… the women who don’t have children. Those women who have either bravely set a different course for their lives, or have suffered the heartache of being unable to have their own children. To those who are waiting to hear from the adoption agency, desperate for a little child to love as their own, or those who just don’t know what they are going to do quite yet… Us ladies who are the childless, the social oddballs. Today I salute you! Only you know what is like to go to a baby shower and be bombarded with, “You’re not getting any younger, You can always adopt…” or my favorite, “ My friend thought she couldn’t have babies and adopted only to get pregnant a year later!” I get it people love their children and can’t imagine their lives without them. They want everyone to feel that special connection. I can even understand and have in fact run across parents who get offended by my decision not to have any children…
Here is what I know of being a mid 40’s childless woman. Surprisingly, I am still a mother. A mother to my friends, my pets, my loved ones. I have compassion and love for those in need. I am the person who will be by your side in a flash when you call. I am the person who will do my best to fix what is broken and set you right again. My mom taught me that. At the end of the day I am happy and fulfilled.
However, at my ripe old age I have reached a point where I no longer wish to answer anymore questions of when, if, or why I don’t have children. Without realizing it, when a person asks these questions and then tries to problem solve them for me — you are ever so subtly devaluing my life. I don’t think folks are purposely being mean spirited, more just a little bit thoughtless. I’ve had people make fun of me for sending a “family” Christmas card of my husband, dog and I, “You are so funny…” they say, “I can’t believe you went to the trouble of getting a photo of just you and your husband for Christmas cards…”, “That would be cuter if that was a baby instead of a dog…”, “That is what people with children do…” I even had a coworker (who was a big family man) correct me when I referred to my husband as my family. He laughed and explained that the word family is only applicable when you have kids. To my horror he is right. The definition of “family” in the dictionary is defined by 3 or more people living in a household… who knew? …Maybe we should get a roommate…
One day while enduring a lengthy and awkward conversation with a tile installer over the age of my ovaries I had an A-Ha moment. I quite suddenly had the amazing and hysterical idea to create fictional children with ludicrous names. I thought it would be a fun way to move the conversation along.
Let me set the set the scene using a sample from both scenarios…
Take 1—(No children):
Stranger: “Hey Sundi, nice meeting you. Do you have any children?”
Me: “Nope, You?”
Stranger : “Oh yes! I have two. They are the love of my lives.”
Me: “That is awesome.”
Stranger : “Why don’t you have children?”
Me: “Oh, geez i don’t know…”
Stranger:“Well you are not getting younger”, or “my friend can give you the name of a great adoption agency”, or “What is the point of being married if you don’t have children?…” ad nauseam…
Take 2 (With fictional children):
Stranger: Do you have kids?”
Me: “Yes! Two precocious twin girls, Pegasus and Pandora currently in boarding school. Our little rascal, Leather Tuscadero… so precocious…And finally, the last piece of our puzzle of love, our baby Je ’taime but we all call her JJ (pronounced with a soft J). Cant seem to get her out of a tu-tu…”
Now if the stranger has a good sense of humor they get a big laugh…while others just stare blankly and make a quick getaway. To be honest it culls the field nicely. I have made great friends due to my fictional family.
The thing is; I have learned every person has their own cross to bear. My friends who have children will get bombarded with the question, “When are you having your next?” For my friends who have more than 3 children they are asked, “You know how those things are made right?” For my friends who aren’t married the question they are haunted with is: “When are you getting married?” My point is maybe we can all learn to be a little more sensitive. None of us know all the the stories of each others lives. Some things are still private, despite what social media would have us believe. So the next time you are out and about and we start chatting, let’s talk about something less volatile like politics or religion… or of course you can ask me about my kids: Pegasus, Pandora, Leather, and sweet baby Je’taime…
The truth is there are many traits that make up a person. Can one be well rounded without another human being defining who we are, whether that be children or a spouse? Absolutely. You are a masterpiece who is constantly evolving and improving. (I think I read that on the back of a Snapple bottle cap once.) The point is there are so many ways to live a great life, be a good citizen and yes even maternal… Right Here Under the Pines…
mockingbirdonbroad 