Tradition! (Cue Fiddler on the Roof Soundtrack)…We all have them. The thing with family traditions, is when you grow up with them daily, yearly, etc. they seem completely normal. But when you introduce your Holiday traditions, meals, gift giving schemes, songs, etc to others, it is only then you realize how nuanced and possibly bizarre those things you find so endearing might not translate. These moments are dramatically highlighted during the Holiday months. We are passionate, willful and irrational when it comes to these childhood memories and we want them carefully recreated every year to commemorate another attempt at a perfect holiday.
The strict adherence and passion to custom is never more on display than sitting down for a Thanksgiving meal with a group outside of your family bubble. If you have had the misfortune to host a large party for Thanksgiving, the bizarre food specific requests can go on forever. They don’t want to know if there will be stuffing, they want to know if it is cornbread, french bread, meat or meatless. These aren’t just side dishes, these represent a person, a moment in time, a place…and it’s serious! Each culinary plea is asked with anticipatory glee; before you know it you are making two different styles of turkey and 51 randomly requested side dishes… Grandma Gloria’s cottage cheese jello salad, Aunt Linda’s cold oyster stew, Uncle Mike’s Father’s Mother’s marshmallow green bean casserole with just a hint of cayenne (eye roll). It goes on and on. I used to attempt to bring those recipes to life only to be met with polite disappointment. The thing is, none of us think our families dishes or drinking habits are unusual until we drop our guards and invite others to share the love for the meat jello your Grandma Ethel makes every Christmas Eve. Even though you could make it any time, you only eat Grandma’s version one night a year. Then you watch the listening, smiling faces turn to horror at how strange meat jello sounds and maybe there is a reason you have never seen that particular dish on a menu anywhere…ever… In these little moments of clarity you realize your strange meals, games, traditions only successfully live in your family bubble…. Once you see something through an outsiders lens it can sometimes ruin a thing you once loved. A friend of mine used to love her Dad’s Spam cracker casserole, it never occurred to her everyone in the world didn’t eat the same thing until she saw her friends reaction when describing it. I never had a sweet potato in my life until moving to Southern Pines and I am still shamed by my coworkers for this fact. Okay that’s fair. Another friend of mine only celebrates Christmas breakfast and never has enjoyed a holiday family dinner which I cannot fathom, however it’s probably a smart approach. My Mom grew up eating a fancy oyster cocktail on Christmas Day at her Grandma’s house, but realized very recently oysters are not local to Idaho and therefore they were probably from a can. She doesn’t care, she still remembers it as being fancy and delicious.
Growing up my family Christmas went a little something like this: Christmas Eve after church, a small group of friends and family would come over to my folks house for a party. I grew up Southern Baptist so drinking alcohol was not allowed, I never even considered it odd until my soon to be in-laws came over and the look on their faces when they realized they would be remaining sober for the evening still haunts my dreams…
After everyone left for the night my brother and I were allowed to choose one gift to open and then my Dad would read either The Night Before Christmas or the story of Jesus’ birth. Christmas morning my parents, brother and I would open gifts one at a time. We listened to Christmas music and then played with our gifts until it was time for our midday feast! My mom and I would fry up shrimp and my dad would grill steaks on the BBQ. We would load up our baked potatoes, throw in a few side dishes and a million pies my dad would make from scratch, and then eat until gorged. Completely magical!
We lived in Florida so we could run outside in the sunshine and play with whatever toys our friends were gifted with that day. We played until it broke or someone went home in tears, at which point, my brother and I would return home, eat more pie and go to sleep with a belly full of pie and shrimp— Heaven! Now when I tell people I used to look forward to fried shrimp for Christmas I get a sideways look and judgement.
I remember years ago spending Christmas morning with my first serious boyfriend and his family… utter chaos! Everyone woke up, ripped open presents at once, no one saying thanks or even acknowledging who it was from. I just sat there watching the carnage in horror. It seemed greedy and lacking any sort of decorum…you see that’s the other thing your tradition gives you— self righteous superiority with the steadfast belief your ways are better than anyone else’s! One can get real cocky until realizing they are having just as much fun as you did in your environment…(even if they are animals…obviously).
Thanksgiving at my man and mines house has evolved into a mix of people from all over who are new to town or couldn’t find anyone better to spend their day with. The booze and music flow throughout the day and after years of killing myself by making a huge dinner only to turn around and work to exhaustion the following day at Black Friday and then Small Business Saturday, I now have almost everything catered. I still make the turkey and my Dads pies, I tell my guests they are welcome to bring the dish that makes them feel nostalgic, plus a few bizarre sides only I eat. They remind me of home and it makes me happy. Every year I learn about someone else’s holiday, some things I incorporate for the next year and other things I mock…nicely.
If you happen to find yourself away from home this year and are lucky enough to be invited into someone else’s lair, do your best to let go of your familial notions, keep an open mind and stay in the present. You never know what fun, new ideas or recipes you might discover and even incorporate into your future personal traditions. (Like my addition of booze). Let yourself evolve because I have seen the disappointment first hand— trust me, no one will make grandmas jello salad like she did.
Don’t focus on that— focus on the people around you, the kindness of others and if all else fails bring a flask and fake it till you can get home and try out one of those family recipes for yourself, call your mom and ask for advice- moms love that… Do what you need to do to make your holiday joyful. In the words of Thomas Wolfe, “You can’t go home again”, but just maybe you can find a new one, bring along your oddball traditions and fill your life up with people and things that make you feel as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. As for me I will be frying up some shrimp and eating pumpkin pie right here under the pines…
mockingbirdonbroad 